My jokes do. Give me a photo of you so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas. Hes dreaming too. Always remember youre unique, just like everyone else. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. A perfectly executed joke, said at a right time and at a right place, can change an awkward situation into a comfortable one. I deserve sugar, spice, and all things nice. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. Its okay if people dont like me. You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. What is the tallest building in the entire world? Quotes that make no sense Photo: pexels.com (modified by author) Source: UGC. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? 116. Good morning! I may stumble along the way, but I will get over it. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. I have committed to being my most outstanding self. 181. 'If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.'. Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. 119. Ill start this journey with my 10 favorite funny affirmations that never fail to make me laugh. - Kyle Chandler. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. A wishbone. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. I dont know how to act my age because Ive never been this old before. Sam Levenson Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. Chris Rock 2. 41 Positive Affirmations & Positive Quotes To Treasure 6. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. 89. I love my computer because all my friends live inside it. 3. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. 203. Henny Youngman 47. Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. Begin your days with these powerful, funny affirmations for self-esteem. What we say not only affects our lives but also has an impact on those around us. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? In between, I am alive. I sometimes might be too much, but I am always enough. Superwoman: single. 209. 115. 26. 175. The library, because it has so many stories. I often wish I was someone else Just so I could hang around with someone as awesome as me. I am lazy till I get a motive. Alright, get in the basket. 197. I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. I eat cake because its someones birthday somewhere today. 194. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. Steven Alexander Wright. For beginners who still struggle with letting their voice out, I recommend starting with funny affirmations that will relax you and make you laugh. 159. Pat Sajak 13. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. 153. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. Not looking at the price tag when Im shopping., 11. Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. 199. Every one of my colleagues brings happiness into the office. We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. Edward A. Murphy 187. 'Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.'. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter 55. 161. Most of the articles that Ive written about affirmations are about more serious topics: Lets keep things a little lighter in this article shall we? I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. It's OK to take a break. If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of a Single Mom, Adventures in Dating: Memoirs of Midlife Relationships, Did you know that having a good sense of humor is very important when it comes to social interaction? Be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet from inside. I will tell the negative voice inside my head to shut up. I nourish my body every day. Why become moody when you can shake your booty. Life is always easier with some humor, smiles, laughter and fun. Groucho Marx. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. 100 Positive Affirmations for Kids (and Why They're so Important) How do trees access the internet? 60. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. Reciting witty affirmations can help you rise above any problems you encounter. Positive music, resilience, inner strength and a growth mindset lead to success!. They have shown me exactly who I do not want to be., 15. Those who snore always fall asleep first. I'm a peli-can! Life gives the test first and then the lesson. Stop playing with me., 6. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. Why cant you trust an atom? There are no stupid questions, just stupid people. And one of the fundamental truths in life is that they will make . 113. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 9. 129. I did not trip and fall. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. It will warm you twice unknown. Life is like a very long TV show, without a remote control. 26. Billy Wilder. Bill Murray Youre talking to yourself. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. I don't entertain negativity in any shape or form. Wilson Mizner, 262. Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips. Nobody gets out alive anyway. 231. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. 217. Sam Levenson. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake. 3. 39 Positive Affirmations And Inspiring Quotes About Life I am calm, patient and at peace. The world is my buffet, and my plate is ready to go. The rest are too expensive. It makes them so damned mad. 151. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know I wish my wallet came with free refills. Why couldnt the leopard play hide and seek? 7. 123. Seeing a spider in my room isnt scary. Read the first word again. 4. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. 2. 1. 189. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations to motivate you to come out of your comedic shell. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth., 9. I am my childs greatest comfort. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? When the past comes knocking, dont answer. There are endless opportunities. I always find something funny in every situation. The rest are too expensive. 15. It doesnt work if it is not open. Dear Monday, my mama doesn't like you and she likes everyone. Everyone recognizes how positive emotions can affect attitude and overall health. 15. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. Learn sign language, its very handy. 40 Short Positive Affirmations + Free Printable - Dare Your Lifestyle 158. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. 191. 134. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 183. 71. 259. Words have the power to make or break us. 47. If you woke up feeling drained and blurry, these funny affirmations will boost your energy and get you ready to slay the day! I am capable of rewriting my grievances and transforming my fears. I enjoy every minute of it. Batwoman: single. Im sure youve heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily. 3. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. These affirmations will help you to combat the lies of the enemy in every aspect of your life. Happiness is a choice. When you feel terrified (without your safety being in danger): 5. 21. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. 75. - Unkmown. 229. 80. My mood swings keep life interesting. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 59. I have a new hairstyle today, its called I tried. Your brain will only ever optimally respond to positive present tense affirmations such as " I am calm .". You wanna know who Im in love with? 100+ weird quotes that make no sense at all but are funny I enjoy taking long romantic walks, to the fridge. Bill Murray Daily affirmation: your hair is so much better than it was in middle school., 2. Cindy from Marzahn. I love it when the coffee kicks in and I realize what an adorable badass I am going to be today. I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. I focus on breathing and grounding myself. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. - Marcus Tullius Cicero. Flip Wilson, 263. It doesn't make sense to dwell on things you can't do anything about. As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. Funny affirmations youll find here will boost your confidence and make you laugh. 186. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes: Short Holiday Sayings - Parade I am so f*cking awesome. Hello little voice inside my head, please just shut up. Short Funny Affirmations. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. 75. Get Love Tips Sent Straight To Your Inbox. 30 Short Daily Affirmations for Living Your Best Life - Healing Brave Jun 19, 2018 - Explore Jamie Hadland's board "funny/sarcastic affirmations" on Pinterest. 143. I want to afford them., 2. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. The world needs people like me to keep things interesting! 1. When, in fact, we must be optimistic and supportive of ourselves. 24. 237. Trust me, your secrets are safe with me and all of my friends. 16. Envelope. 169. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. First, read the most powerful affirmations below to build a strong mind. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. Sincerely, yourself., 2. Bill Murray. A wishbone. 27. Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, theyll start using it. 276. The thing is, Im still getting ready. Microchips. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? 6. 26. 41. 100 Funny Christmas Quotes. 103. These kinds of things just come with the territory if youre trying to live a meaningful life. I am confused between what I like the most hanging out or posting that I hung out. "You have to be odd to be number one.". And a funny bone., 10. Good morning! A mind is like a parachute. It has nothing new to tell you. Then perhaps youd find value in these articles on how to write affirmations and the benefits of affirmations. 3. Here are the 200 best sarcastic quotes, from funny comments, sayings, and phrases dripping with snarky sarcasm. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. A mind is like a parachute. Not me, but somebody does. After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F. 204. 80 Funny Quotes To Make You Smile | Shutterfly - Ideas & Inspiration Whether its because of a bad breakup or just feeling really down, there are ways to look on the bright side and come out on top. 104. I did not trip and fall. My mind is becoming much sharper. 81. 8. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. All you need is love. 119. If only common sense were more common. A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand. Short Positive Affirmations "I Am" Affirmations. 188. Im thinking like a proton, always positive. Treat me like a joke and Ill leave you like its funny. Laughter has always been lauded for its therapeutic effects. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. - Jeffrey Gitomer. It changes your perception and these short positive affirmations have a way of changing the way you look at yourself and feel more confident. 118. Bill Gates. Discover funny affirmations 's popular videos | TikTok Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. I am intelligent. My liver still works. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. Sincerely, yourself. 215. People wait all week for Friday, all year for summer, all life for happiness. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. It gets toad away. 218. I hope you enjoyed this article on funny affirmations! Lorrin L. Lee. 211. When they go away, its a brighter day. 9. Share them with your friends and colleagues and make them smile too. - Christopher Reeve. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. 39. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. Happy Birthday.". 278. Send me the link. Bill Murray, 260. You can use affirmations to alleviate pressure in highly stressful scenarios, like taking an exam or going to a job interview. Sincerely, the floor. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. Then you stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath in, open your mouthwait, this is funny. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. Can February march? I tried, but they wanted cash. 91. Snowballs. 154. Ive got three bones. I'm doing great. Feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and more to motivate them every morning. "Once you choose hope, anything's possible.". Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. Im laughing at the confusion and smiling through the tears. Walter Bagehot Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. God heals, and the doctor takes the fees. 94. Why did the can crusher quit his job? It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.'. I am on a seafood diet. 224. 2. 127. Maybe Monday doesn't like you either. 23. 160. Rather, the goal is to help kids recognize the truth, in situations and in themselves. Short people with an umbrella. I am full of vitality. Alison Boulter. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. Tell the negative committee that meets inside your head to sit down and shut up. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. "Have a great Wednesday. I believe in what's possible for me. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. 35. 63. Remember, no one can make you feel anything other than what YOU allow yourself. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. Let these funny affirmation quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day. 97. Remember, What consumes your mind, controls your life., 7. 256. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. Sometimes the M is silent. When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. Pardon me, I have 6 pounds of boneless mass to get rid of. Really? This might be a work in progress, or you might need to remind yourself of how funny you actually are. 221. I know that I am intelligent, because I know that I know nothing. Art doesnt transform. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Everyone brings happiness to this office. Once you're feeling happy and confident about your sense of humor, use these 35 affirmations to navigate challenging situations with a smile. Boost your ego and narcissism in as little as 5 minutes per day and set yourself up for success. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. Frances McDormand 96. 280 Short Funny Quotes and Sayings - Luvze The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. "Don't let anyone ever dull your . 200. Jackie Collins 264. Charles M. Schulz. Confidence makes me powerful. 22. Steven Wright Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. 16. 201. Its okay, he woke up. "We . Its what it is supposed to be, dont overthink and let it go. The only relationship I have is with my Wifi. 2. 160. May life man not be perfect, but Im blessed., 13. If Cinderellas shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? Every day is a gift, thats why they call it the present. I am grateful for that time. And a funny bone. 119 Positive Affirmations For Women To Use Daily - Live Bold and Bloom The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. Plus, youre never gonna become funny and charismatic by being afraid to speak your mind. My body deserves healthy food and exercise, not junk food or laziness. - Roy T. Bennett. 262. So, you promise yourself from tomorrow on, youll be starting your days using affirmations. So far, so good. 179. 66. Top 75 Funny Daily Affirmations | Committed To Myself Wonderwoman: single. Because someone is always sitting on the deck. I am attractive just as I am. 247. Go to bed with satisfaction.". Because he was always spotted. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. 225. 202. Hes dreaming too. I personally love watching masters of comedy captivate audiences with their dark humor and crafty punchlines. I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. Even if you dont consider yourself a funny person, you should never be afraid to express your unique humor. 165. 141. Ensure that your actions match your words. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? 260. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. Every weekend I do what I love most, absolutely nothing. I didnt give you the finger, you earned it. 1. 171. Laughter also has a social aspect, as its the perfect way to bond with people. I give over my anxiety to God, knowing His peace will protect my heart and mind. You might use humor as a coping mechanism. - Unknown. If youre looking for a way to brighten your day and amp up your attitude, youve come to the right place. If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. Betty Reese, 9. Does it count if you say them in your mind? Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. They make you change without hurting your self-esteem. A quote to live by for when life gets bitter. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. What doesnt kill you makes your drinks stronger., 10. Love your enemies. 1. Wouldnt exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? 73. Decomposing. When nothing is going right, go left. After all, laughter is a universal way to express yourself. 40 Positive Affirmations to Repeat for Success and Happiness - Oprah Daily Love your enemies. 38. 19. 77. 74. 164. You can only be young once. Bill Murray What is Mozart doing right now? 142. I am transforming into someone who is outgoing and makes others laugh. I didnt mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. Charles M. Schulz If Monday had a face, I would punch it. 90. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. 126. 13. 1. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. , we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? My funny vibes attract my happy tribe. Funny Affirmation - Etsy 258. 264. No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart., 4. Say your affirmations slowly and clearly. Affirmations are an opportunity to be honest with ourselves and recognize that we have a treasure trove of power and creativity within us. Youre just gonna feel embarrassed for a minute or two and then it will be over. "A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret. If you're going to be thinking, you may as well think big. 216. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. 172. Looking for positive funny affirmations? Henny Youngman, 246. 40. 132. 263. 117. If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. Jonathan lockwood huie. Steve Martin Wilson Mizner Are these genes in your jeans or are you just happy to see me? "If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.". You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. Life is a game full of little and big surprises. Albert Einstein. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Lily Tomlin, 242. 50 Christian Affirmations to Quiet Anxiety & Renew Your Mind - byDeze "Whatever you do, do with all your might.". Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. happy. 7. My mistakes dont define me. If you feel like todays not your day and the best thing would be to stay in bed, Ive got something that will cheer you up. Albert King. Because he was always spotted. 205 Hilariously Funny Quotes For Work To Make You Chuckle It gets toad away. Thats what youre called when you dont have a job. "Today will be a great day". I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. If youre just starting your affirmation journey, you might feel skeptical at first. Let me know in the comments section down below! When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? When affirmations make you feel good about yourself, they are most effective. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. Giving up on myself because of one setback is like slashing my other three tires because one is flat., 10. Some when they enter, others when they leave. Bill Murray Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. "What doesn't kill you makes your drinks stronger.". I will smile while I still have my teeth. 76. 206. Heres a list of funny affirmations that will improve your mood instantly. You can write them down and use them whenever youre attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Today I will embrace the poop., 7. Dave Barry. 141. no rich foods. Today, I laughed until my abs started hurting, so I can skip the gym. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. Paul Ehrlich, 241. Sincerely, the floor. I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember I train my body. 14. Im full of funny ideas waiting to be expressed. 219. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. This is a good thing because affirmations are supposed to be associated with happiness and positive emotions. Roy Lichtenstein IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. (John 14:27) 27. 162. 18. 8. - Catherine Pulsifer. Bill Murray Whatever I do, I will do it for fun, but with dedication and focus. The following is the list of some humorous affirmations for you: I am doing all the amazing things because I am an amazing human being. 266. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. Robert A. Heinlein Need to send some positive energy your way? avoid carbs. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. It just plain forms. 203. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. Infographic: What is the Ultimate Commitment. 77. 2. 65. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. 121. Given below are some short quotes to tickle your funny bone. Top 40 Best Funny Affirmations To Make Your Day (2023) It was created to do amazing things. 230. Why was six scared of seven? Short Positive Affirmations set the pace for your day. With time, I have started to value more time. 2. Im a work in progress without a completion date., See also: 120 Ultimate Best Quotes About Progress To Fuel Your Growth. 233. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. 7. Relaxing the mind with some funny affirmations is an easy way to reduce stress and keep yourself grounded in moments of turmoil. 81. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. I keep moving forward even if my pants come off. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. 21. You can tune a guitar, but you cant tuna fish. 272. "After 30, a body has a mind of its own.". I dont like morning people, or mornings, or people. Im going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, Im outstanding. Thank God Im an atheist. It is, therefore, safe to say that, sense of humor can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. Without further ado, let's look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. "Life is like a roller coaster pic - scary at the moment, funny looking back.". 100. You cant have everything, where would you put it? Your eyes water when you yawn, because you miss your bed and it makes you sad. These 50 funny affirmations will help you feel better about yourself while keeping a wide smile on your face. Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door. Roy Lichtenstein. When life closes a door, just open it again. My son is now an entrepreneur. We all have different and distinctive senses of humor thats what makes us such unique individuals. 68. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. 93. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. With a cowculator. 169. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. Still, you need to embrace each of these surprises with same positive conviction and appreciation. 102. 213. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else?